My Childhood Room

I didn't think I could do it... leave you behind for good...

I remember the slumber parties, sometimes me and a friend, sometimes just me and you. And either way, I'd be up much too late, singing or giggling or reading like a fiend.

I remember when I was scared, when the world was crumbling under the weight of adult-sized yelling. You held me in your four compassionate blue walls and hid me from what I couldn't understand yet... when you could.

I remember living in you, and feeling so relieved after a hard day to sink into your depths and finally take a full breath...

When I saw your new face I balked... You are blindingly shiny, brand-spanking new-- showing me what I'll be missing, I get that. I'd do the same in your position, get repainted into a weak facsimile of cheer. But Butter Yellow was never a good colour for us...

I didn't want this to be goodbye, forever... but that's the way things have to be. It's not up to us anymore. It never really was.

Stop. Just Stop. Don't give me that blank-wall stare. Just listen:

I just came to get my things and move on with my life, just a little more broken... but you stare accusingly with all the ire 27 beanie babies can muster. You've shed my paintings and greet me, bare-assed bare-walled, showing that if I don't need you to hold me, you don't need me to fill you up.

But someone is going to love you, and soon.

It is time, to let go of this petulance, and start to forget this heartache.

Let us say goodbye like lovers do. Lingering; soft words and violent passion in turn.

I'm not leaving you to be cruel, I need you to know that.

Just because there is no room left in my life, doesn't mean my room is gone from my heart...

Yours, Truly.

To Melancholy

Hello my old friend. Have you come to stay again for a time?

I want to say I've missed you, but that's not quite the right thing to say. When you're gone I don't usually spend my time thinking about your cold hands, and if I do, you always seem to know and simply show up at my doorstep. Like tonight.

I will just say, I am glad to see you.

...But again, that's not exactly true. I am not glad, I am immersed in you. I am lonely and introspective, my mind is waxing poetic and my voice is silent, the world is an installation painted infinite shades of grey.

But I finally get to take the time to appreciate the variation, the wide spectrum of individuality found in a single gloomy cloud.

Or to reflect on how lonely it must be to be a snowflake, lost in a melee of other grey faces that we like to pretend are white. Anonymous in the crowd, surrounded by other snowflakes yet entirely solitary, the only one of your kind...

You're looking well... or unwell. You're looking down. But I suppose so am I, when we're together. Lost in my head and in the beauty that blooms everywhere. Everywhere but here, in my heart's sleeping garden. Waiting on the sunshine of a smile, you help me to plant the seeds that will grow into wonder, gratitude and insatiable thirst for more beauty, more sadness... more life.

And not the "life" you see on television sitcoms where there's always a funny quip to solve your problems... Real Life. Real in-your-face-hardships-may-or-may-not-make-you-stronger-teeth-bared-heart-on-sleeve-blood-sweat-tears-and-passion Life. Fuck yeah.

That's why I love you-- even as you take me in your cold gripping embrace. Even as you erase the smile from my eyes and replace it with cool and detached appraisal. You make the good days good, because I know I've earned them. You make colours brighter, because I know what it is to go without. You make my heart bloom into an Eden that far surpasses what I could do alone.

Because there is good and bad. Light and Dark. And I won't hide from it, won't hide from you.

You make me stronger; when you push me down into the depths of misery's arctic pools, I am swimming, pushing, kicking for my life, and learning to do it harder every time... Because breaking the surface and taking that gasp of fresh air, basking in the joy of sunshine and making my way to the shore is better than having stayed dry. Better than warm and safe and boring.

Better than ignorance.

I guess I can do without bliss.

I'll forget utopia for even a taste of Real Life.

And that's on you.

Yours, Truly.

Le Premier Abord.

Firsts; you can be beautiful, educational, cruel.

My beginning was not for me—my first steps, my first words, my first injury. They were for my parents; to show them my growth, to reassure them of their good parenting and to remind them how very delicate a life is. How delicate my life is.

Next it was my turn for some revelation and along came my first day at school, my first bully, my first crush. And I learned that being different isn't easy, that not everyone is going to like you, that learning could ignite my passion...
and that boys are stupid. And so are girls.
But they are both pretty great.

And as I grow, I collect more and more of you: first time I got drunk, first time I thought I was in love, my first apartment, my first driving lesson, my first car accident, first time I had sex, first time I had sex outdoors, my first vote in a federal election, my first surgery...
The first time I thought I might die... right there on that hospital bed.

I needed to learn my mortality too. Learn how delicate I am... learn how fucking strong I am.

I needed to know that good comes around but so does bad and both make you live harder... if you're smart.

I needed to know that people come and go in your life and the most important person to love is yourself. Even when it feels like someone else is your whole life... which would be a first for me.
I guess I learn fast.

Some people live their lives afraid that they will run out of firsts and be left with only higher denominations of "been there, done that".
I am not afraid. I will not hoard my experiences; lock them inside little boxes of achievement to prove who I am and where I came from.

I will wait, and one of these days, this stage will end. Firsts will once again stop being for me, and start being for us— whenever I find someone to be an “us” with me, of course.
We can explore them together, the triumphs and mistakes and unpredictable staggering blows. We can be human, and act like we’re children, and live like we love being alive— because that’s important.

Yours, Truly

PS. After writing this, the word first has lost all meaning.... the down-sides of repetition.

Old Clothes

I'm writing to you all today because I think we need to talk.

We've known each other a long time and the fact is, I've grown out of past you. We had some great times but it's been a long time since you made me look feel desirable.

I have loved you longer than you deserve, and kept you around because of the good times we had and the great memories we've made... but the time has come, and you're falling apart I'm holding you it together. So smarten up!

I will always remember the feel of you on my skin-- covering me up, keeping me warm. I almost want to keep you, but I know deep down it's just to avoid throwing you out losing you. I might need you one day! For a... who can dress like a toddler contest? To plug holes in my roof? I need to be realistic, and also I need to be fair to you. You could be out there being loved by some fashionless tween, being celebrated as I once celebrated you.

It's time, for someone else to love you. To fill you out up with their insecurities and dreams. You've remained empty, sitting in the background of my closet for far too long and it is time for you to get out there and live until you wear yourself out.

It's not you, it's... well yeah it is. But I'll still miss you in spirit.

But really, corduroy floral?!?! What was I on??

Yours, Truly

Curls

Smother me, I can take it.

There are worse ways to die than tangled up in you.

Not a restraint, merely a disguise, a tantalizing display of plumage.

Not a fire, though you make me ignite.

Not a drop of cold ocean, but a dark sea of curling delirium.

There is gasping for breath and a fair amount of sensory deprivation, but I'd never complain. To breathe even for a moment this sweet clean scent; to see just a glimpse through this tangled canopy-- it's enough. I'd much rather be here, in the forest, watching the wildlife do its thing.

Out there are complications, salutations, social mitigations... I want to smile for hello, and to throw polite out with every single elastic I've acquired.

Why quell this sweet madness? You deserve to be celebrated.

Tell Rapunzel never to let you down again.

Tell her to let you free.

Yours, Truly.

Romance Novels

Dearest Friend(s),

I glow with happiness that you grace the earth with your presence. I crave your strong text to whisk me away. We'll elope to far off lands, where I get to be sexed up the princess, the lady, the heroine... Instead of the undergraduate student, the ungrateful daughter and the listless insomniac. You take me, as I love to be taken.

I feel the anticipation building, longing to run my fingers up your spine. I hold you close, clutching your sides, as I look at you--into you. Penetrating deeply, and grasping what is inside. At your climax I gasp for breath, breasts heaving I struggle to take it all in. Then the dénouement-- I lie quivering on the bed soaking it all in, just taking in your soft and comforting words.

You tell me what I want to hear and I love you for it.

Your decadence is comical to some, but my fluttering heart disagrees.

I want you-- every word, every inch. The thicker the better.

Yours, Truly

PS. this might have been one giant "that's what she said" joke... who knows.

Oh My Love

My Darling, I've hungered for your touch. A long lonely time... approximately exactly one year. How have you been?

There's been a lot of gossip about you lately. The usual things: you're not a real holiday, you're never good enough, you're just commercial, and you don't care about people's real feelings. I know they're just rumours. You've never tried to hide what you are--

A chocolate lover, a flower lover, a lover.

Haters Gonna Hate. But why hate on something that we all need?

You don't need to be dressed up, glittered and glammed over the tippy-top (as people seem to anticipate) to be beautiful. A simple word, or a hug, a call home to Mom and Pop-- those are the things that make you so worthwhile and wonderful to me. The humble appreciation for everyone we care about is an important thing that often isn't expressed enough. You give us that kick in the pants we need.

So thank you, Valentine's Day, for telling me what I want to hear.

I love and appreciate you too.

Yours, Truly.

________________________________________

Ps. I also just really love excuses to give out handmade cards, I'm bad-ass with a pair of safety scissors.

Ice Ice Baby

I see right though you. This little tough guy act.... you're trying to trip me up, trying to be cool (though you're just being cold). Let me tell you now: it's not going to work.

I don't like you now, in the bleak midwinter... You get too enthusiastic, if that makes sense. Frisky to the point of pain. I may be a bit masochistic but you've become too much for me. You want to play when I'm trying to get to important meetings, when I'm trying to climb stairs, when I have other things on my mind, and lemme tell you, it's getting old.

You lie in wait outside doors, creeping over the eaves of my childhood home. you point and laugh from rooftops everywhere I go... waiting for your moment. You backstabber. Your icicle fingers of malice tricked me in the summer months. You were so chill, so sexy, as you traced my body with your melting heart... You always made the best daiquiris...

Now you lie in wait disguising yourself as the ground, stalking me, but it's okay. I've always loved you better in the summer. You're somewhat of a fair-weather friend. I get that.

And I like you in small doses, so I await the days of sunshine and your creamy texture.

Vanilla please.

Yours, Truly.

Studies on Sleep

Tonight you elude me.

Forever your mysteries intrigue me.

I daydream (it's never enough):

You and I finally meet (the wait is excruciating) with no need for formalities.

You disarm me. Slowly.

We bathe, entwined in silence.

Only (my breath) filling the space between us.

- - -

The pilgrimage to your door is unpredictable and I, dressed for hunting, am sorely unprepared.

Like some mythical creature you stalk me, waiting to reveal yourself-- as always, at your leisure.

My fire burns low and red. The embers look like the insides of my eyelids, when the day rings harsh and you have left me.

I was never going to find you because you are never to be found.

And that, is the hardest part.

- - -

Touch me, I need it. I need you.
My body aches for your embrace.

It dwindles, slowly slumping into sporadic puddles of inappropriate emotion.

Wanting you more than any other basic need.

I can't think in straight lines, thoughts are singswoopjingleclomp-ing.

higgledy-piggledy-ziggity-zag.

The face, whiskers askew, jeers at my plight.

Taunting, ticking, talking, tocking.

When will you arrive?

Touch me, I neeeeeeed it.

- - -

Postcard From My Mother:

Hello my Pumpkin.

I am trying the snail mail because you never answer my calls.

How is your sleep? You know it's so important!

Enjoy as much as you can.

-Mom

Email To My Mother:
Hey Mommy,
Sleep is fine, it went on holiday for a bit, strangely at the same time I did. But has since returned and we are doing fine. I don't know what you're on about, I called you this past weekend. Remember we told you about our trip to Cartoon India and the flying carpet? And how I keep turning into a cat? And that doughnut sex tape?

Sometimes I think you don't care about my dreams.

Yours, Truly.

PS. Sleep says Hi to Daddy.